Smoking Mittens

 State law may forbid you from enjoying your favorite bad habit indoors, but nothing will keep you from enjoying a Camel Wide outside. And while the it may be 20 below zero outside your lonely saloon above the Arctic Circle, you can still enjoy your puffing thanks to these well-designed mittens.

The rest of the world may be turning their back on this filthy habit, but you'll show everyone you're alive with pleasure with your Smoking Mittens. And when you return to your bar stool your hands will be warm enough to grip that bottle of Labatts.

Fundies

 On the greatest TV Show ever, Arrested Development, character Tobias Funke increased awareness of Gymnophobia - a fear of being naked. As a never-nude, he always wore a pair of jean shorts underneath his clothing, and it had a negative effect on his love life. But thanks to the invention of the Fundie, those with Gymnophobia can still engage in the most human of acts.

The Fundie is underwear built for two, and while it is ridiculous, there's a certain amount of logic to its basic design. Plus, you can't get pregnant if you're both wearing underpants, right?

Peekaru

 What do you buy the mother on your list who has everything except dignity, self-respect, and a clue? Get her the Peekaru. Made from " 85% recycled high quality Polartec fleece," this hideous baby accessory is a fleece vest that zips over a soft baby carrier to keep mother and child warm. It fits comfortably over all carriers, including Baby Bjorns, Hotslings, Ergos, Mei Tais, and Wraps.

Oblivious mothers will love this disturbing present, and you'll get some cheap laughs at her expense. It makes the perfect gift for that baby shower you've been dreading. And if you're a man looking for justifiable grounds for divorce and want full custody of your child, a photo of this will sway any judge in your favor.

On the other hand, people that pass by her will think...

• The crowning baby head must be emerging from a second vagina located in her sternum.
• She's been infected by an alien and the alien baby is emerging from her body.
• So that's how you raise your child to become a Juggalo.
• Maybe there is a valid excuse from a man to abandon his wife and child.
• Wow! I guess that's what happens to those plastic soda bottles I put in the recycling bin. I'm going to stop recycling.

Uroclub

Before that prostate swelled to the size of a grapefruit, you could play 18 holes of golf without a trip to the clubhouse to relieve yourself. But now, after you've had your fifth beer by the ninth hole, your full bladder leaves you doing the pee pee dance as you're trying to sink that putt for double bogey.

Well, thanks to the Uroclub, you no longer have to choose between wetting your plaid golf pants or exposing yourself to other golfers. Thanks to the Uroclub, you simply place your penis in the hole at the top of the club, cover the whole unseemly operation with the towel, and do your business. Shaking off remains an issue, but the bulk of your bladder's contents will wind up securely in this specially-designed club. Enjoy sweet relief without being charged with indecent exposure.

You can use it yourself whenever you just can't bring yourself to use the bathroom like respectable members of society. And at $24.95, it's perfectly priced for the public urinator on your gift list.

Pet Petter

 They say "don't bite the hand that feeds you," but it's a philosophy completely ignored by that furry skank Mittens. Sure, she purrs and begs to be pet, but as soon as a hand touches its back it immediately responds with a flurry of scratches from its razor-sharp claws.

And since you've been turned away by numerous veterinarians in your understandable attempt to put Mittens to sleep, the Pet Petter is really your only option.

Inventor Todd Lawson came up with this ingenious device because:

I have loved pets all my life. I’ve also contracted ringworm, toxoplasmosis and parvovirus twice. You see, whether your pet is long-haired, pure-bred or mutt, all pets have one thing in common: they are dirty, disease-carrying friends. That’s why I’ve developed a new line of pet products designed with both your pet AND your immune system in mind. I hope you enjoy!

Until the raccoons get her, or until Mittens kisses the bumper of a passing Buick, this is really your only way to keep that vile pile of fur away from you and unsuspecting house guests.

Taxidermy College

Your parents have been bugging you about grad school, and complaining about the couch fort you've created in their living room to live in. They need to face it - you're not going law school. You just don't do much homework, and you drink too much Four Loco to make it to class daily. You're tired of their comments, criticisms, and complaints about the growing roadkill collection you've stashed in their deep freeze. Stop stressing loser, the stars have aligned.

A career in taxidermy could be your path in life, and this eight-week course at Montana School of Taxidermy and Tanning will give you the skills to justify converting your parents' boat house into your workshop. For the price of the Star Wars action figures you just put on your mom's credit card, you could be a student at one of the oldest commercial taxidermy schools in the Northwest.

You'll learn all three areas of the industry:  taxidermy, tanning, and advanced habitat. Think of the money you'll save by know how to tan in-house? It is a real pain giving your walrus carcass to the Fed-Ex guy without a lot of unnecessary explanation. And even if you flake out and never follow through on turning it into a paying gig, you could still be of use to your parents by ensuring that when Mr. Whiskers departs this earthly realm, his soft fur is preserved to stand alertly beside the fireplace, perfectly preserved by your wizardly taxidermy skills. Prepare to receive the acknowledgment you crave.
     

Girl Scout Cookie Earrings

 When it comes to Girls Scout cookies, you usually shovel those treats down your gullet like a suicidal diabetic. In addition to being a gluten for sweets, you're also a fashionable dessertista. Is that a word? I pray that doesn't catch on.

No you can take your love for Girl Scout cookies and combine them with your fashion with these cookie-scented pierced earring sets. Not only are they stylish, but that cookie smell will leave you hungry throughout the day. Choose from Thin Mint earrings with a bite taken out, or their button style Chocolate Stripe Cookie earrings. These aren't tacky. They're imported, and your purchase will help send a girl to camp. Plus, you can wear them with your Sexy Adult Girl Scout Cookie Girl Costume, a valuable tool for stirring the loins of your would-be-pederass of a boyfriend.

Meet Joe

Are you a friendless loser living in the Chicago area? Does your social circle consist of an elderly neighbor who gets you drunk on Schnapps and tells you about the war? Have you failed to utilize your Friendster account to successfully make friends? Stop beating yourself up and Meet Joe.

 Meet Joe is friend-finding service in the Chicago area. And the maestro of this whole operation is... Joe. Seriously, Joe Drake is just a regular guy. Basically, he's a former corporate-event planner who introduces you to new friends in the city based on what you tell him about yourself and the kinds of people you want to meet. Think of him as the friend-pimp who knows just what you like and how you like it.

Who is Joe? Here are his words:

• I have a dog and I like bacon cheeseburgers.
• I'm like the Asian kid in the Goonies but with no accent.

This is the most ridiculous idea for a business, and that's what makes it awesome. Joe's just some ordinary guy, and for $29.99 he'll meet you and try to find you some friends. Sometimes he'll just introduce you to one of his friends. Other times he'll pair you with another client. Who knows what he'll do for you. Joe is unpredictable. Regardless, Joe is for real. He won't ask you to invest in his pyramid scheme or get lewd in his car, he just knows it sucks to be friendless in Chicago and would like to help. There's no telling what economic hardship drove Joe to wanting to be your friend-finder, but it's pretty cool of him to do it.

Giant Inflatable Beach Ball

Ever since your Uncle Phil crashed the Winnebago and suffered that head injury, he's been a little different, a little slower. During the winter months, when company is over, he can be kept happy in the basement by turning on reruns of America's Funniest Home Videos. Nobody enjoys a nut shot like Uncle Phil, of course nobody reenacts them like Uncle Phil either.

But when the warm weather returns, Phil is drawn to the outdoors, usually riding that pink bike with the streamers to the 7-11 to load up on ice cream sandwiches. How can you keep him out of traffic without confining him to the tree house? Give him the Giant Inflatable Beach Ball. It's the perfect man-sized toy for the kind of man who now reads at a first grade level. Imagine Phil's joy as he pushes the ball around, trying to get the dogs to play soccer with him, and wearing himself out. Phil's going to love it, and then he's going to go inside to eat paste.

The Shocker Costume

 Having a girlfriend during Halloween sucks. Usually she tries to convince you to dress up as some accessory to her costume. She goes as Raggedy Anne, so you get stuck looking lame as Raggedy Andy. She goes as a sexy nurse, and you get to pose as some lame doctor.

The fastest way to put an end to this is with The Shocker Costume. Not only will your girlfriend prefer dumping you to being seen in public with you, but you'll also ensure you won't be acquiring any new girlfriend at the Halloween party you attend. You, perpetually single? It won't be a shocker.

Anita Waxin Costume

 Every year your girlfriend gets all excited about some lame Halloween party. She makes plans, dresses up like a slutty nurse/fireman/soldier/raccoon/etc, and drags you along, and then flirts with every stranger who compliments her. This year is going to be different. Unlike previous years when you paid her back by getting drunk and making inappropriate comments, this year your costume will be the method by which you humiliate her.

She's showing off all of her cleavage, so now you will too. And while her short skirt will be barely hiding her nether regions, you will be proudly sporting a bushy beaver and obvious camel toe. Will this costume embarrass her? Absolutely. Will it also embarrass you? Well, it's a small price to pay for never having to be invited to that crappy party across town ever again.

You Want a Pony

 Be honest. You want a pony. Ever since you were little you wanted one. You begged and pleaded, but your mom always said no. Perhaps it was because your family had no yard, a shortage of money, or maybe it came down to a lack of love.

Now that you're grown, you still want that pony. You went out and bought one, but your roommates complained about the smell in the apartment and how Pixie the Wonder Horse took up all the space on the couch. She also had a habit of eating pizza right off the counter and biting children. Pixie had to go, but your desire for a pony never waned. Here's your chance.

"Horsey" is a simple kit that allows anyone to turn their bike into a pony. You'll be galloping around the neighborhood in no time, and no, you won't let anyone ride it. (related article).

Hops Holster 12-Can Ammo Pack

Damn, it is hard to stay hydrated when you're out in the woods plugging wildlife with the firearm of your choosing. Canteens just don't cut it and that plastic Nalgene bottle contains toxins.  You have your health to worry about.

Plus, lugging that 12-pack around with you just doesn't allow you to keep your finger on the trigger in case Bambi springs forth into the cross hairs. Still, you want to give that buck a fighting chance, so to even the playing field you prefer seeing double.

That's why they make the Hops Holster 12-Can Ammo Pack. There are 12 insulated holsters and each one holds a single 12-ounce can. The camoflage allows you to blend in with the natural surroundings, and you still get to store plenty of cans of Schmidts to ward off thirst. It's a lovely gift for the drunken hunter, enthusiastic tailgater, or long-haul truck driver. You should buy this.

Wiccan Witch Sells Booty Enhancement Spells on eBay

Try as you might, that ass ain't getting any bigger. Despite your longing to be bootylicious, your trunk remains devoid of junk. You've done numerous hours on the stair master, and eaten countless pints of Ben & Jerry's, and still, that ass remains flat as a pancake.

Luckily, there's a Wiccan witch offering a special booty enhancement spell on eBay.

Amelia, the Wiccan Witch of the eBay, typically casts the spells herself, although sometimes she enlists the help of her coven. She's been casting spells and enlarging posteriors for 20+ years. She says they "are strong and very effective." Since the spells are done at the alter she has, and the booty boost travels to you by magic, there is no shipping and handling fee. Your rounder rump should arrive within 24-48 hours.

The End of History

There's really only two valid complaints about beer: 
1) There's not enough alcohol in a beer. 
2)  Beer doesn't come in a dead animal.

Thankfully, Scotland's BrewDog has created a beer containing 55% alcohol that comes in a furry critter that has bid this world goodbye. It's called The End of History and you get your choice of your bottle encased in either a stuffed squirrel, hare or stoat.

The price is definitely not right - $765 - but unless you're a home brewer/taxidermist, chances are you'd spend just as much trying to create this yourself. And what a bloody mess that would be.

There's no longer any trace of this product on Brew Dog's website so the animal rights people may have already gotten this shut this down. If so, we must return to a very disappointing world where beer is still low on and alcohol and only comes in crappy bottles and cans.

Boyfriend Pillow

This morning you got the giggles in bed while reading the latest Cathy comic. Isn't it amazing how it seems like she's always going through the same thing? Anyhoo... you found yourself wondering why no one was there to share the hilarity with you.

For reasons you can't explain (others have theories), you're still single. You're not lonely per se. You have your seven cats and your two canaries, but you'd like to share a cup of herbal tea with someone besides your sister, who you live with.

You'd like the comfort of a man, not in the biblical sense of course, as the very idea of intimacy makes you positively nauseous. It would just be nice to have someone else around to hold your yarn while you knit sweaters for the cats.

You're not asking for much, just someone who could fetch you a tissue when you get nose bleeds in the middle of the night. Someone who could rub icy hot on your toe nail fungus, and hold Mittens for you when your sizing her for the booties you're knitting. And if nothing else, someone to put their arm under your head, comfort you, and maybe loosen the straps on your sleep apnea mask when it gets too hot. You're why they invented the Boyfriend Pillow.

Seven Other Reasons You Need The Boyfriend Pillow

• You have an armpit fetish and the blow up doll market just isn't catering to your specific demographic.
• Sometimes you need to slip out the door after a one night stand, and you don't want to chew your arm off like a coyote in a trap. Instead, you can slip the pillow under his/her head, withdraw your arm, and sneak out unnoticed.
• You need to buy a gift for the clingy, emotionally needy, pathetic loser in your life. 
• Because you lost your artificial arm in a bowling accident and need a cheap replacement.
• To practice your handshake.
• So you can also tuck the hand in your back pocket and walk around the mall like that happy couple that works at Cinnabon. 
• Because of your phobia of any human contact, it's not going to be you who puts an arm around your kids to console them.

Alien Abduction Lamp

It’s hard to find a gift to properly commemorate the abduction of a prize milking cow, but this is what Daisy would have wanted. Buy it at AbductionLamp.com.

It's priced at $179.98 so maybe it's for the best it's not available anymore on Amazon.

Outdoor Gnome Bowling

 You know who’s got a lot of nerve? Gnomes. They used to be reclusive little guys. Sure, sometimes they’d peek in through the bathroom window to watch you tinkle, but aside from that they mostly kept to themselves, foraged for grubs, and stole snacks out of the dog bowl.

But not anymore. Now those pesky pervs are everywhere, showing up in movies, shilling discount travel deals, posing as lawn art, and publishing books full of illustrations of them trying to pretend to be adorable. It’s time to put those little douches in their place and the best way to knock them down a peg is with a bowling ball.




Eight Other Reasons You Should Buy This Product

1. Because it's awesome.
2. Because bocce ball and croquet are pretentious. This will really irk the those smug europhiles at the park.
3. Your therapist thinks it will help you get over your fear of little people and men with beards.
4. Bowling is your life, but after that incident at Lucky Lanes you're not allowed within 500 yards of the place.
5. Because the gnome pins would make the perfect disguise for the landmines you want to install in the lawn to ward off the neighbor's marauding ferrets.  
6. Your gnome army needs more recruits if you're going to win the coming war against the smurfs!
7. To keep your children company when you're out getting drunk in the shed.
8. Malibu Barbie gets lonely and she has a thing for older men.

Handerpants

Can you believe your hands have been going commando all these years? You've been out there running free as a bird, just shaking hands and waving to friends and all the while your hands have been suffering from a lack of support. Isn't it about time you bought some Handerpants? Perhaps their infomercial (in honor of Billy Mays) will convince you.


 They’re snug, supportive, modest, responsible - the kind of handerpants your dad would wear around the house when you had friends staying over. You're getting older... maybe it's time you bought a pair?

Forensics for Dummies

 You finally found a dead body in the woods by your house. You could call the police and they’re team of forensic experts, but… you watch a lot of CSI and this is the case you’ve been waiting for. Still, you’ll need to read up a little bit before you’re able to identify the cause of death – probably your step dad.
Thankfully, you’ve got a copy of Forensics for Dummies. This is exactly why they wrote the book, right? Wait, why did they write this book?

Ammunition-Free Skeet Shooting

You are a man/woman who loves shooting skeet. Shattering clay pigeons with your arsenal of shotguns is your greatest joy. Unfortunately, that hobby is not appreciated by the people in the condos across from your apartment deck. Chalk it up to sniveling neighbors, the nosy cops that come with too much government, or a tad too much collateral damage, but you’re skeet shooting days are over… or are they?

This live action skeet game allows you to still shoot at flying targets using a harmless infrared gun. If your aim is correct, the shell breaks apart and falls harmlessly to the ground. Maybe that will finally keep the police from coming around to investigate complaints of gunfire.

Squirrel Bling

How do you tell the person who loves your nuts that you love him/her? What says, “Darling, unlike others who’ve ignored my precious testicles, you have always showed them the care and love they deserve?” What says “I think your special for thinking the contents in my scrotum are special?”

How about this Sterling silver squirrel pendant studded with brown cubic zirconia. He/she will wear that with pride and when people ask about it, you’ll get to talk about your balls some more. Man, you cannot get enough of that.

Squirrel Underpants

There’s one thing the squirrels in your neighborhood are low on and it's modesty. Regardless of the heat, you ensure when you leave the house you’re wearing pants, a long-sleeved shirt, and a hat. That’s what is required of the Amish and you’re a true believer. But those heathen squirrels… despite reading to them from the scripture they continue to prance around in the nude like a bunch of jay birds. It’s a sin. It’s unbecoming of a long-tailed rodent. And frankly, those well-endowed squirrels are making you a tad insecure.
So cover up all their naughty bits and enforce some modesty on these scandalous squirrels with squirrel underwear. It’s only $2.38, but imagine what it will do for neighborhood home values.  If only you could take your horse and buggy to pick them up.
Eight Other Reasons To Buy Squirrel Underpants

1. Squirrels need somewhere to store their nuts.
2. Snug fitting briefs cause lower sperm counts and the squirrels in your neighborhood could stand to limit their breeding.
3. Because it's funny how they squirm when you try to put a pair on them.
4. At your age, it's understandable you're too embarrassed to buy underwear for your Ken doll.
5. Because if the squirrel is going to live in the house, he's going to cover himself.
6. For fun, you enjoy dressing up the all the taxidermy at grandpa's house.
7. To leave a little something to the imagination.
8. Victoria Secret doesn't make anything for squirrels so this will have to do.