Boyfriend Pillow

This morning you got the giggles in bed while reading the latest Cathy comic. Isn't it amazing how it seems like she's always going through the same thing? Anyhoo... you found yourself wondering why no one was there to share the hilarity with you.

For reasons you can't explain (others have theories), you're still single. You're not lonely per se. You have your seven cats and your two canaries, but you'd like to share a cup of herbal tea with someone besides your sister, who you live with.

You'd like the comfort of a man, not in the biblical sense of course, as the very idea of intimacy makes you positively nauseous. It would just be nice to have someone else around to hold your yarn while you knit sweaters for the cats.

You're not asking for much, just someone who could fetch you a tissue when you get nose bleeds in the middle of the night. Someone who could rub icy hot on your toe nail fungus, and hold Mittens for you when your sizing her for the booties you're knitting. And if nothing else, someone to put their arm under your head, comfort you, and maybe loosen the straps on your sleep apnea mask when it gets too hot. You're why they invented the Boyfriend Pillow.

Seven Other Reasons You Need The Boyfriend Pillow

• You have an armpit fetish and the blow up doll market just isn't catering to your specific demographic.
• Sometimes you need to slip out the door after a one night stand, and you don't want to chew your arm off like a coyote in a trap. Instead, you can slip the pillow under his/her head, withdraw your arm, and sneak out unnoticed.
• You need to buy a gift for the clingy, emotionally needy, pathetic loser in your life. 
• Because you lost your artificial arm in a bowling accident and need a cheap replacement.
• To practice your handshake.
• So you can also tuck the hand in your back pocket and walk around the mall like that happy couple that works at Cinnabon. 
• Because of your phobia of any human contact, it's not going to be you who puts an arm around your kids to console them.

Alien Abduction Lamp

It’s hard to find a gift to properly commemorate the abduction of a prize milking cow, but this is what Daisy would have wanted. Buy it at AbductionLamp.com.

It's priced at $179.98 so maybe it's for the best it's not available anymore on Amazon.

Outdoor Gnome Bowling

 You know who’s got a lot of nerve? Gnomes. They used to be reclusive little guys. Sure, sometimes they’d peek in through the bathroom window to watch you tinkle, but aside from that they mostly kept to themselves, foraged for grubs, and stole snacks out of the dog bowl.

But not anymore. Now those pesky pervs are everywhere, showing up in movies, shilling discount travel deals, posing as lawn art, and publishing books full of illustrations of them trying to pretend to be adorable. It’s time to put those little douches in their place and the best way to knock them down a peg is with a bowling ball.




Eight Other Reasons You Should Buy This Product

1. Because it's awesome.
2. Because bocce ball and croquet are pretentious. This will really irk the those smug europhiles at the park.
3. Your therapist thinks it will help you get over your fear of little people and men with beards.
4. Bowling is your life, but after that incident at Lucky Lanes you're not allowed within 500 yards of the place.
5. Because the gnome pins would make the perfect disguise for the landmines you want to install in the lawn to ward off the neighbor's marauding ferrets.  
6. Your gnome army needs more recruits if you're going to win the coming war against the smurfs!
7. To keep your children company when you're out getting drunk in the shed.
8. Malibu Barbie gets lonely and she has a thing for older men.

Handerpants

Can you believe your hands have been going commando all these years? You've been out there running free as a bird, just shaking hands and waving to friends and all the while your hands have been suffering from a lack of support. Isn't it about time you bought some Handerpants? Perhaps their infomercial (in honor of Billy Mays) will convince you.


 They’re snug, supportive, modest, responsible - the kind of handerpants your dad would wear around the house when you had friends staying over. You're getting older... maybe it's time you bought a pair?

Forensics for Dummies

 You finally found a dead body in the woods by your house. You could call the police and they’re team of forensic experts, but… you watch a lot of CSI and this is the case you’ve been waiting for. Still, you’ll need to read up a little bit before you’re able to identify the cause of death – probably your step dad.
Thankfully, you’ve got a copy of Forensics for Dummies. This is exactly why they wrote the book, right? Wait, why did they write this book?

Ammunition-Free Skeet Shooting

You are a man/woman who loves shooting skeet. Shattering clay pigeons with your arsenal of shotguns is your greatest joy. Unfortunately, that hobby is not appreciated by the people in the condos across from your apartment deck. Chalk it up to sniveling neighbors, the nosy cops that come with too much government, or a tad too much collateral damage, but you’re skeet shooting days are over… or are they?

This live action skeet game allows you to still shoot at flying targets using a harmless infrared gun. If your aim is correct, the shell breaks apart and falls harmlessly to the ground. Maybe that will finally keep the police from coming around to investigate complaints of gunfire.

Squirrel Bling

How do you tell the person who loves your nuts that you love him/her? What says, “Darling, unlike others who’ve ignored my precious testicles, you have always showed them the care and love they deserve?” What says “I think your special for thinking the contents in my scrotum are special?”

How about this Sterling silver squirrel pendant studded with brown cubic zirconia. He/she will wear that with pride and when people ask about it, you’ll get to talk about your balls some more. Man, you cannot get enough of that.

Squirrel Underpants

There’s one thing the squirrels in your neighborhood are low on and it's modesty. Regardless of the heat, you ensure when you leave the house you’re wearing pants, a long-sleeved shirt, and a hat. That’s what is required of the Amish and you’re a true believer. But those heathen squirrels… despite reading to them from the scripture they continue to prance around in the nude like a bunch of jay birds. It’s a sin. It’s unbecoming of a long-tailed rodent. And frankly, those well-endowed squirrels are making you a tad insecure.
So cover up all their naughty bits and enforce some modesty on these scandalous squirrels with squirrel underwear. It’s only $2.38, but imagine what it will do for neighborhood home values.  If only you could take your horse and buggy to pick them up.
Eight Other Reasons To Buy Squirrel Underpants

1. Squirrels need somewhere to store their nuts.
2. Snug fitting briefs cause lower sperm counts and the squirrels in your neighborhood could stand to limit their breeding.
3. Because it's funny how they squirm when you try to put a pair on them.
4. At your age, it's understandable you're too embarrassed to buy underwear for your Ken doll.
5. Because if the squirrel is going to live in the house, he's going to cover himself.
6. For fun, you enjoy dressing up the all the taxidermy at grandpa's house.
7. To leave a little something to the imagination.
8. Victoria Secret doesn't make anything for squirrels so this will have to do.