Friday, January 21, 2011

Canvas Prints

You promised your friend you wouldn't post that embarrassing photo on Facebook. However, you never said you wouldn't have that photo printed on canvas to hang in your living room. If you've got party pics, horrid family photos, or a lude photo of Brett Favre you received via text, Canvas Lifestyle will print it on canvas for you to hang on your wall for all to see. And today, you can get a great deal on it at Tippr.

Just click here, $29 buys $85 toward any-sized canvas prints, stylized digital prints, and other services on CanvasLifestyle.com, with shipping included! Even better, Douchepon gets a cut.


Top Ten Images to Print
  • You shotgunning beers with David Hasselhoff in a Dairy Queen parking lot.
  • Your friend making out with William Hung after he sang "She Bang" at her wedding.
  • Your friend's wardrobe malfunction at the rodeo.
  • Your step dad's mugshot, successfully located thanks to the Freedom of Information Act.
  • Some tasteful boudoir photography of yourself you'd planned to give your Russian pen pal.
  • Pictures of you wearing your girlfriend's cheerleader outfit from high school.
  • Grandma all liquored up, telling stories about sailors.
  • That picture of your friend getting attacked by a dozen goats at the petting zoo.
  • The finger painting you made as a child that your mom refused to put on the fridge because it looked phallic. 
  • Your dad's mullet, circa 1978.

Air Guitars

You are That Guy. When you're at a show, and the band starts playing your favorite song, you can't help but break out your a vigorous air guitar solo. You're usually so in the zone that you don't notice other people snickering, laughing at you, and pointing you out to their friends. But every once in a while you notice the scorn. Why all the hate? Is it because you're a massive douche, or is it simply that your air guitar is painfully out of style? Probably the latter.

Thankfully, Dimitri's Air Guitar can you hook you up with a sweet air guitar for only $50! These invisible, soundless, weightless guitars will give you a state-of-the-art air guitar that is certain to impress everyone, especially when you tell them how much you spent. Choose from acoustic, bass, electric, double neck, and even left handed air guitars. They all rock. Check out their testimonials to learn what their many satisfied customers have to say.

Peep out this gem below (guitar stand not included). Now envision yourself rocking a sweet riff on that deluxe beauty. Ahh yeah!
 

Polydragon Question Monogamy 20x6 Wall Peel

Inspired by the idiotic show Sister Wives on TLC, you've been trying to convince the Mrs. that what your marriage is lacking is another lady around the house. She's been skeptical, going so far as to consult with a divorce attorney, but your polygamy dreams will not be squashed. Your wife is going to need some convincing, but your measured arguments have proven unsuccessful so far. Perhaps what you need is this large wall graphic to put above the headboard of the bed your wife sleeps in alone, since you've been banished to the shed. And while this wall graphic works its magic, you can focus on convincing the clerk at the 7-11 down the street to become your second wife.

Really Gross Digital X-Ray Art iPhone 4 Slider Case

What do you buy that pretentious programmer who likes to flaunt his new iPhone 4 around the office, while mocking your piddly little Droid? Best to go with something that makes it look as ridiculous as his ponytail and Captain America t-shirt.

The beauty of this slider case, is it reveals the Apple logo in the place where this x-ray creature's anus is. After you glue it in place so he can't take it off, he won't be quite so quick to whip it out and rub it in everyone face. This accessory is classless, gross, and kind of creepy? Yep, if suits him perfectly.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Gas and Odor Barrier


Nothing can keep you from shaking it on the dance floor, not even your putrid flatulence. You bump, he grinds, and the farts just start coming in hot waves of stinky gas that threatens local air-quality standards. But with these subtle butt disposable gas neutralizers, you'll ensure you won't find yourself alone on the dance floor, encircled by club goers pinching their nose in disgust, while pointing you out as the culprit.

These super-thin, effective, and undetectable shields fit inside your "underwear or incontinence brief using self-adhesive tape strips." And if you can't afford the $6.99, you could probably talk your dance partner into buying it for you. Also, you may want to cut out the bean burrito as your pre-dance meal of choice.

Kush Bosom Sleep Support


What keeps you from getting the restful sleep your body needs? Is it an uncomfortable mattress or pillow? No, it's the wrestling match your breasts engage in while you're trying to snooze. Thankfully, you can purchase this useless item from goldviolin.com. While it looks like a phallus you're giving a boobjob too, it's actually a lightweight, slip-resistant plastic pillow anatomically contoured to support and cushion the hulking weight of your massive ta-tas.

Giant Stress Boob Stress Ball


How can you still be single? You have a part-time job doing tech support for AOL.com. You've converted your mom's basement into a swinging bachelor pad, the perfect setting to showcase your vintage Star Wars posters and collection of He-Man action figures. Yet despite all of your personal success, you can't seem to win a date with that girl at work who has a pattern of moles on her arm that look just like the Millennium Falcon. Perhaps it's because you relieve stress and build hand strength for your favorite hobby with this disturbing device? Keep it up. One is the loneliest number, not just for you, but for this sad, isolated, lonely faux boob. Of course you could always buy a matching one for $35.18 at Amazon.com. Paired together, you might finally have the finishing touch for the robot girlfriend you're making.

Underwear with a Built-In Penis

Like a sandwich shop that promises foot-long subs, but serves up 4-inch hogies, this underwear designed by Andrew Christan is the false advertising that promises nothing but disappointment.

Like a padded bra for men's crotches, these stuffed shorts suggest a bountiful package, but wind up proving that sometimes little things come in big packages. Before buying these, ask yourself: "Do I want to appear to have a throbbing erection while giving a presentation in front of a large group of people? Do I want relive the middle school days of constantly having a boner? Is my penis too small to believe?" 

So, who buys this crap?
  • Erotic dancers who perform outdoors and above the Arctic Circle.
  • Life-sized Ken Dolls
  • People who want to appear like they have an erection while changing clothes at the gym.
  • Men with small penises.
  • Men with ridiculously small penises.
  • Farmers who had their junk caught in a thresher, but still want to look they have a boner when wearing their overalls.
  • Women who have discovered the only way to keep creepy men from grinding on them at the club, is to give those men a taste of their own medicine.
  • Speedo models.
  • Horribly insecure fashion designers named Andrew Christan.  
  • Douchebags.
 

Friday, January 7, 2011

Cat Face Sweatshirt


Who is the person you least want to get in a fight with in a bar? Probably the doorman with the prison tattoos and the gigantic biceps, right? Wrong. It's the highly unstable individual in this cat face sweatshirt. You want tangle with someone who has nothing to lose and nothing to live for? You found him. He lives at home with his mother. He hasn't had a date in his entire life. And even though he's only 150lbs. he will claw your eyes out and bite into your calves with every with every ounce of pent up resentment and rage he's been carrying around since his painfully awkward teenage years. This is one bad mofo you don't want to tangle with.

Cat Torture Devices

Ever since Fluffy pissed all over the couch, you've been looking to brutally punish her in a way that won't get you charged with animal cruelty. Don't worry, you don't have to go all Michael Vick on your pet to enact the necessary revenge. Thanks to these appalling outfits from NanjoDogz, you can humiliate your cat in a way that will make her take her bathroom business outside, instead of spraying your clothes and furniture. Who's the alpha in the house? It's the person with the credit card who can shop for disturbing pet clothes and accessories on the Internet. Payback can be so purr-fect. Ha! See what I did there? I combined "purr" with "perfect."

  

Rob Your Next Bank in Style


Let's be honest:  In these tough economic times, we've all robbed the mini-mart around the corner. We justify by it by not being able to afford our mortgages and knowing they've got a stash of Four Loko hidden in the back that they refuse to sell. But aside from first-degree robbery, the real crime is a crime of fashion. Sadly, most of us just use a ski mask we purchased from the same exact same mini-mart. Not only is this an easy way to get recognized by the clerk, but it also stinks of unoriginal costuming.

The next time you pull a job to pay your mortgage, ensure you do it in style with these fashionable Mexican wrestling masks from Corazon. Stylish, rugged, and good for Halloween as well, it's the perfect way to assert yourself and ensure nobody tries to be a hero when you're stuffing cash and caffeinated malt liquor into a duffel bag.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Vintage 80s Cabbage Patch Ear Muffs

When you're making bets with friends while intoxicated, the loser usually has to shave his head or grow a mustache. Where's the novelty in that? A greater badge of shame is this ridiculous product from RogueRetro. If you're looking to humiliate your friend, embarrass yourself, or get your significant other to dump you on the spot, you can't go wrong with these Cabbage Patch Ear Muffs.

Dogs Galore Fleece Caftan


There are a lot of ways to announce you've given up any thought of mating or emotionally connecting with a fellow human being, but this fleece caftan from Outrageous Rags is positively the best. Not only does it alert others to the fact that you have an unhealthy relationship with your pets, it also ensures nobody will come near you with a ten foot pole, unless it's mental health expert who's there to institutionalize you.

Unfortunately, this garment's maker doesn't make a matching caftan for the pet with their owner's image emblazoned on it. But there's always the pet Snuggie, a very practical way to embarrass the crap out of a pet.

Pee Wee Herman Portrait Plates


When you host a dinner party for the other members of the Pee Wee Herman Fan Club, do you just serve up English tea sandwiches on your best paper plates like a total amateur? It doesn't matter how much Pee Wee memorabilia you've stockpiled in your home, you're still coming up short. Thankfully, this awesome Pee Wee Herman plate from Beat Up Creations will impress your guests and win their admiration. It's only $49, and according to its maker:


This is a super fabulous, hand painted, antique, Nippon porcelain plate. Lovely pink floral motif with fine detail and gold rim, some wear to gold and design from age and love, as shown.