Meet Joe

Are you a friendless loser living in the Chicago area? Does your social circle consist of an elderly neighbor who gets you drunk on Schnapps and tells you about the war? Have you failed to utilize your Friendster account to successfully make friends? Stop beating yourself up and Meet Joe.

 Meet Joe is friend-finding service in the Chicago area. And the maestro of this whole operation is... Joe. Seriously, Joe Drake is just a regular guy. Basically, he's a former corporate-event planner who introduces you to new friends in the city based on what you tell him about yourself and the kinds of people you want to meet. Think of him as the friend-pimp who knows just what you like and how you like it.

Who is Joe? Here are his words:

• I have a dog and I like bacon cheeseburgers.
• I'm like the Asian kid in the Goonies but with no accent.

This is the most ridiculous idea for a business, and that's what makes it awesome. Joe's just some ordinary guy, and for $29.99 he'll meet you and try to find you some friends. Sometimes he'll just introduce you to one of his friends. Other times he'll pair you with another client. Who knows what he'll do for you. Joe is unpredictable. Regardless, Joe is for real. He won't ask you to invest in his pyramid scheme or get lewd in his car, he just knows it sucks to be friendless in Chicago and would like to help. There's no telling what economic hardship drove Joe to wanting to be your friend-finder, but it's pretty cool of him to do it.

Giant Inflatable Beach Ball

Ever since your Uncle Phil crashed the Winnebago and suffered that head injury, he's been a little different, a little slower. During the winter months, when company is over, he can be kept happy in the basement by turning on reruns of America's Funniest Home Videos. Nobody enjoys a nut shot like Uncle Phil, of course nobody reenacts them like Uncle Phil either.

But when the warm weather returns, Phil is drawn to the outdoors, usually riding that pink bike with the streamers to the 7-11 to load up on ice cream sandwiches. How can you keep him out of traffic without confining him to the tree house? Give him the Giant Inflatable Beach Ball. It's the perfect man-sized toy for the kind of man who now reads at a first grade level. Imagine Phil's joy as he pushes the ball around, trying to get the dogs to play soccer with him, and wearing himself out. Phil's going to love it, and then he's going to go inside to eat paste.

The Shocker Costume

 Having a girlfriend during Halloween sucks. Usually she tries to convince you to dress up as some accessory to her costume. She goes as Raggedy Anne, so you get stuck looking lame as Raggedy Andy. She goes as a sexy nurse, and you get to pose as some lame doctor.

The fastest way to put an end to this is with The Shocker Costume. Not only will your girlfriend prefer dumping you to being seen in public with you, but you'll also ensure you won't be acquiring any new girlfriend at the Halloween party you attend. You, perpetually single? It won't be a shocker.

Anita Waxin Costume

 Every year your girlfriend gets all excited about some lame Halloween party. She makes plans, dresses up like a slutty nurse/fireman/soldier/raccoon/etc, and drags you along, and then flirts with every stranger who compliments her. This year is going to be different. Unlike previous years when you paid her back by getting drunk and making inappropriate comments, this year your costume will be the method by which you humiliate her.

She's showing off all of her cleavage, so now you will too. And while her short skirt will be barely hiding her nether regions, you will be proudly sporting a bushy beaver and obvious camel toe. Will this costume embarrass her? Absolutely. Will it also embarrass you? Well, it's a small price to pay for never having to be invited to that crappy party across town ever again.