Smoking Mittens

 State law may forbid you from enjoying your favorite bad habit indoors, but nothing will keep you from enjoying a Camel Wide outside. And while the it may be 20 below zero outside your lonely saloon above the Arctic Circle, you can still enjoy your puffing thanks to these well-designed mittens.

The rest of the world may be turning their back on this filthy habit, but you'll show everyone you're alive with pleasure with your Smoking Mittens. And when you return to your bar stool your hands will be warm enough to grip that bottle of Labatts.

Fundies

 On the greatest TV Show ever, Arrested Development, character Tobias Funke increased awareness of Gymnophobia - a fear of being naked. As a never-nude, he always wore a pair of jean shorts underneath his clothing, and it had a negative effect on his love life. But thanks to the invention of the Fundie, those with Gymnophobia can still engage in the most human of acts.

The Fundie is underwear built for two, and while it is ridiculous, there's a certain amount of logic to its basic design. Plus, you can't get pregnant if you're both wearing underpants, right?

Peekaru

 What do you buy the mother on your list who has everything except dignity, self-respect, and a clue? Get her the Peekaru. Made from " 85% recycled high quality Polartec fleece," this hideous baby accessory is a fleece vest that zips over a soft baby carrier to keep mother and child warm. It fits comfortably over all carriers, including Baby Bjorns, Hotslings, Ergos, Mei Tais, and Wraps.

Oblivious mothers will love this disturbing present, and you'll get some cheap laughs at her expense. It makes the perfect gift for that baby shower you've been dreading. And if you're a man looking for justifiable grounds for divorce and want full custody of your child, a photo of this will sway any judge in your favor.

On the other hand, people that pass by her will think...

• The crowning baby head must be emerging from a second vagina located in her sternum.
• She's been infected by an alien and the alien baby is emerging from her body.
• So that's how you raise your child to become a Juggalo.
• Maybe there is a valid excuse from a man to abandon his wife and child.
• Wow! I guess that's what happens to those plastic soda bottles I put in the recycling bin. I'm going to stop recycling.

Uroclub

Before that prostate swelled to the size of a grapefruit, you could play 18 holes of golf without a trip to the clubhouse to relieve yourself. But now, after you've had your fifth beer by the ninth hole, your full bladder leaves you doing the pee pee dance as you're trying to sink that putt for double bogey.

Well, thanks to the Uroclub, you no longer have to choose between wetting your plaid golf pants or exposing yourself to other golfers. Thanks to the Uroclub, you simply place your penis in the hole at the top of the club, cover the whole unseemly operation with the towel, and do your business. Shaking off remains an issue, but the bulk of your bladder's contents will wind up securely in this specially-designed club. Enjoy sweet relief without being charged with indecent exposure.

You can use it yourself whenever you just can't bring yourself to use the bathroom like respectable members of society. And at $24.95, it's perfectly priced for the public urinator on your gift list.

Pet Petter

 They say "don't bite the hand that feeds you," but it's a philosophy completely ignored by that furry skank Mittens. Sure, she purrs and begs to be pet, but as soon as a hand touches its back it immediately responds with a flurry of scratches from its razor-sharp claws.

And since you've been turned away by numerous veterinarians in your understandable attempt to put Mittens to sleep, the Pet Petter is really your only option.

Inventor Todd Lawson came up with this ingenious device because:

I have loved pets all my life. I’ve also contracted ringworm, toxoplasmosis and parvovirus twice. You see, whether your pet is long-haired, pure-bred or mutt, all pets have one thing in common: they are dirty, disease-carrying friends. That’s why I’ve developed a new line of pet products designed with both your pet AND your immune system in mind. I hope you enjoy!

Until the raccoons get her, or until Mittens kisses the bumper of a passing Buick, this is really your only way to keep that vile pile of fur away from you and unsuspecting house guests.