Pet Petter

 They say "don't bite the hand that feeds you," but it's a philosophy completely ignored by that furry skank Mittens. Sure, she purrs and begs to be pet, but as soon as a hand touches its back it immediately responds with a flurry of scratches from its razor-sharp claws.

And since you've been turned away by numerous veterinarians in your understandable attempt to put Mittens to sleep, the Pet Petter is really your only option.

Inventor Todd Lawson came up with this ingenious device because:

I have loved pets all my life. I’ve also contracted ringworm, toxoplasmosis and parvovirus twice. You see, whether your pet is long-haired, pure-bred or mutt, all pets have one thing in common: they are dirty, disease-carrying friends. That’s why I’ve developed a new line of pet products designed with both your pet AND your immune system in mind. I hope you enjoy!

Until the raccoons get her, or until Mittens kisses the bumper of a passing Buick, this is really your only way to keep that vile pile of fur away from you and unsuspecting house guests.