Smoking Mittens

 State law may forbid you from enjoying your favorite bad habit indoors, but nothing will keep you from enjoying a Camel Wide outside. And while the it may be 20 below zero outside your lonely saloon above the Arctic Circle, you can still enjoy your puffing thanks to these well-designed mittens.

The rest of the world may be turning their back on this filthy habit, but you'll show everyone you're alive with pleasure with your Smoking Mittens. And when you return to your bar stool your hands will be warm enough to grip that bottle of Labatts.

Fundies

 On the greatest TV Show ever, Arrested Development, character Tobias Funke increased awareness of Gymnophobia - a fear of being naked. As a never-nude, he always wore a pair of jean shorts underneath his clothing, and it had a negative effect on his love life. But thanks to the invention of the Fundie, those with Gymnophobia can still engage in the most human of acts.

The Fundie is underwear built for two, and while it is ridiculous, there's a certain amount of logic to its basic design. Plus, you can't get pregnant if you're both wearing underpants, right?

Peekaru

 What do you buy the mother on your list who has everything except dignity, self-respect, and a clue? Get her the Peekaru. Made from " 85% recycled high quality Polartec fleece," this hideous baby accessory is a fleece vest that zips over a soft baby carrier to keep mother and child warm. It fits comfortably over all carriers, including Baby Bjorns, Hotslings, Ergos, Mei Tais, and Wraps.

Oblivious mothers will love this disturbing present, and you'll get some cheap laughs at her expense. It makes the perfect gift for that baby shower you've been dreading. And if you're a man looking for justifiable grounds for divorce and want full custody of your child, a photo of this will sway any judge in your favor.

On the other hand, people that pass by her will think...

• The crowning baby head must be emerging from a second vagina located in her sternum.
• She's been infected by an alien and the alien baby is emerging from her body.
• So that's how you raise your child to become a Juggalo.
• Maybe there is a valid excuse from a man to abandon his wife and child.
• Wow! I guess that's what happens to those plastic soda bottles I put in the recycling bin. I'm going to stop recycling.

Uroclub

Before that prostate swelled to the size of a grapefruit, you could play 18 holes of golf without a trip to the clubhouse to relieve yourself. But now, after you've had your fifth beer by the ninth hole, your full bladder leaves you doing the pee pee dance as you're trying to sink that putt for double bogey.

Well, thanks to the Uroclub, you no longer have to choose between wetting your plaid golf pants or exposing yourself to other golfers. Thanks to the Uroclub, you simply place your penis in the hole at the top of the club, cover the whole unseemly operation with the towel, and do your business. Shaking off remains an issue, but the bulk of your bladder's contents will wind up securely in this specially-designed club. Enjoy sweet relief without being charged with indecent exposure.

You can use it yourself whenever you just can't bring yourself to use the bathroom like respectable members of society. And at $24.95, it's perfectly priced for the public urinator on your gift list.

Pet Petter

 They say "don't bite the hand that feeds you," but it's a philosophy completely ignored by that furry skank Mittens. Sure, she purrs and begs to be pet, but as soon as a hand touches its back it immediately responds with a flurry of scratches from its razor-sharp claws.

And since you've been turned away by numerous veterinarians in your understandable attempt to put Mittens to sleep, the Pet Petter is really your only option.

Inventor Todd Lawson came up with this ingenious device because:

I have loved pets all my life. I’ve also contracted ringworm, toxoplasmosis and parvovirus twice. You see, whether your pet is long-haired, pure-bred or mutt, all pets have one thing in common: they are dirty, disease-carrying friends. That’s why I’ve developed a new line of pet products designed with both your pet AND your immune system in mind. I hope you enjoy!

Until the raccoons get her, or until Mittens kisses the bumper of a passing Buick, this is really your only way to keep that vile pile of fur away from you and unsuspecting house guests.

Taxidermy College

Your parents have been bugging you about grad school, and complaining about the couch fort you've created in their living room to live in. They need to face it - you're not going law school. You just don't do much homework, and you drink too much Four Loco to make it to class daily. You're tired of their comments, criticisms, and complaints about the growing roadkill collection you've stashed in their deep freeze. Stop stressing loser, the stars have aligned.

A career in taxidermy could be your path in life, and this eight-week course at Montana School of Taxidermy and Tanning will give you the skills to justify converting your parents' boat house into your workshop. For the price of the Star Wars action figures you just put on your mom's credit card, you could be a student at one of the oldest commercial taxidermy schools in the Northwest.

You'll learn all three areas of the industry:  taxidermy, tanning, and advanced habitat. Think of the money you'll save by know how to tan in-house? It is a real pain giving your walrus carcass to the Fed-Ex guy without a lot of unnecessary explanation. And even if you flake out and never follow through on turning it into a paying gig, you could still be of use to your parents by ensuring that when Mr. Whiskers departs this earthly realm, his soft fur is preserved to stand alertly beside the fireplace, perfectly preserved by your wizardly taxidermy skills. Prepare to receive the acknowledgment you crave.
     

Girl Scout Cookie Earrings

 When it comes to Girls Scout cookies, you usually shovel those treats down your gullet like a suicidal diabetic. In addition to being a gluten for sweets, you're also a fashionable dessertista. Is that a word? I pray that doesn't catch on.

No you can take your love for Girl Scout cookies and combine them with your fashion with these cookie-scented pierced earring sets. Not only are they stylish, but that cookie smell will leave you hungry throughout the day. Choose from Thin Mint earrings with a bite taken out, or their button style Chocolate Stripe Cookie earrings. These aren't tacky. They're imported, and your purchase will help send a girl to camp. Plus, you can wear them with your Sexy Adult Girl Scout Cookie Girl Costume, a valuable tool for stirring the loins of your would-be-pederass of a boyfriend.