Really Gross Digital X-Ray Art iPhone 4 Slider Case

What do you buy that pretentious programmer who likes to flaunt his new iPhone 4 around the office, while mocking your piddly little Droid? Best to go with something that makes it look as ridiculous as his ponytail and Captain America t-shirt.

The beauty of this slider case, is it reveals the Apple logo in the place where this x-ray creature's anus is. After you glue it in place so he can't take it off, he won't be quite so quick to whip it out and rub it in everyone face. This accessory is classless, gross, and kind of creepy? Yep, if suits him perfectly.

Gas and Odor Barrier

Nothing can keep you from shaking it on the dance floor, not even your putrid flatulence. You bump, he grinds, and the farts just start coming in hot waves of stinky gas that threatens local air-quality standards. But with these subtle butt disposable gas neutralizers, you'll ensure you won't find yourself alone on the dance floor, encircled by club goers pinching their nose in disgust, while pointing you out as the culprit.

These super-thin, effective, and undetectable shields fit inside your "underwear or incontinence brief using self-adhesive tape strips." And if you can't afford the $6.99, you could probably talk your dance partner into buying it for you. Also, you may want to cut out the bean burrito as your pre-dance meal of choice.

Kush Bosom Sleep Support

What keeps you from getting the restful sleep your body needs? Is it an uncomfortable mattress or pillow? No, it's the wrestling match your breasts engage in while you're trying to snooze. Thankfully, you can purchase this useless item from goldviolin.com. While it looks like a phallus you're giving a boobjob too, it's actually a lightweight, slip-resistant plastic pillow anatomically contoured to support and cushion the hulking weight of your massive ta-tas.

Giant Stress Boob Stress Ball

How can you still be single? You have a part-time job doing tech support for AOL.com. You've converted your mom's basement into a swinging bachelor pad, the perfect setting to showcase your vintage Star Wars posters and collection of He-Man action figures. Yet despite all of your personal success, you can't seem to win a date with that girl at work who has a pattern of moles on her arm that look just like the Millennium Falcon. Perhaps it's because you relieve stress and build hand strength for your favorite hobby with this disturbing device? Keep it up. One is the loneliest number, not just for you, but for this sad, isolated, lonely faux boob. Of course you could always buy a matching one for $35.18 at Amazon.com. Paired together, you might finally have the finishing touch for the robot girlfriend you're making.

Underwear with a Built-In Penis

Like a sandwich shop that promises foot-long subs, but serves up 4-inch hogies, this underwear designed by Andrew Christan is the false advertising that promises nothing but disappointment.

Like a padded bra for men's crotches, these stuffed shorts suggest a bountiful package, but wind up proving that sometimes little things come in big packages. Before buying these, ask yourself: "Do I want to appear to have a throbbing erection while giving a presentation in front of a large group of people? Do I want relive the middle school days of constantly having a boner? Is my penis too small to believe?" 

So, who buys this crap?

• Erotic dancers who perform outdoors and above the Arctic Circle.
• Life-sized Ken Dolls
• People who want to appear like they have an erection while changing clothes at the gym.
• Men with small penises.
• Men with ridiculously small penises.
• Farmers who had their junk caught in a thresher, but still want to look they have a boner when wearing their overalls.
• Women who have discovered the only way to keep creepy men from grinding on them at the club, is to give those men a taste of their own medicine.
• Speedo models.
• Horribly insecure fashion designers named Andrew Christan.  
• Douchebags.

 

Cat Face Sweatshirt

Who is the person you least want to get in a fight with in a bar? Probably the doorman with the prison tattoos and the gigantic biceps, right? Wrong. It's the highly unstable individual in this cat face sweatshirt. You want tangle with someone who has nothing to lose and nothing to live for? You found him. He lives at home with his mother. He hasn't had a date in his entire life. And even though he's only 150lbs. he will claw your eyes out and bite into your calves with every with every ounce of pent up resentment and rage he's been carrying around since his painfully awkward teenage years. This is one bad mofo you don't want to tangle with.

Cat Torture Devices

Ever since Fluffy pissed all over the couch, you've been looking to brutally punish her in a way that won't get you charged with animal cruelty. Don't worry, you don't have to go all Michael Vick on your pet to enact the necessary revenge. Thanks to these appalling outfits from NanjoDogz, you can humiliate your cat in a way that will make her take her bathroom business outside, instead of spraying your clothes and furniture. Who's the alpha in the house? It's the person with the credit card who can shop for disturbing pet clothes and accessories on the Internet. Payback can be so purr-fect. Ha! See what I did there? I combined "purr" with "perfect."