World's Largest Gummy Bear

That punk neighbor kid down the street calls you names, throws rocks at your cats, and rides his bike through your yard. Lucky for you, that little shit has diabetes, Halloween is approaching, and you can buy this 5 lbs. gummy bear that's practically guaranteed to push him into insulin shock.

This delicious football-sized snack packs a whopping 6,120 calories and comes in a myriad of flavors. Tempting, delicious, and potentially fatal if consumed in its entirety, this gummy treat is not only a great dessert, it's also sweet revenge.

AK-47 Lamp

How do you reconcile your enthusiasm for popping caps in fools with your  love of totally super fab home decor? With these tasteful, yet thug-friendly lamps from Loaded Objects Ceramics.

If your coffee table displays both Guns & Ammo and Decor Magazine, this $445 lamp is your way to reconcile that inner conflict.

Confidence Shirts

Like all people who loathe their coworkers, you struggle to resist the urge to tell those lazy bastards what's exactly on your mind. It may be you're a coward, but it might also be your reluctance to receive a pink slip or be banished from the conversations around the water cooler. But thanks to Confidence Shirts, you can say exactly what's on your mind, but without anyone knowing. Their comfy T-shirts tell everyone off, while not showing through your work shirt. Sure, it's kind of passive aggressive, but so is muttering about them via chat with your friends in other offices.

Now you can announce your true feeling in a hushed tone with your clothes. Choose from statements like: How do you all have jobs? or everyone's favorite I think about farting on you all the time. Classics.

Confidence Shirts only offer a few options, but perhaps they'll consider adding the following...

• You're not sick; you're hungover.
• Get your own damn coffee!
• I will Tweet about your ineptitude!
• The next time you make a suggestive comment, I'm telling your wife.
• Brushing your teeth would help your breath.
• I'm the Secret Santa who gave you deodorant.
• I'm going to gauge your eyes out the next time you clip your nails at your desk.
• I know you're the one who pees on the toilet seat.
• Today's "doctor's appointment" is really a job interview. See ya!

Wrap-a-Nap

There's nothing like trying to sleep off a hangover at work. You tuck yourself into a stall, try to nap on the toilet, and then that fat guy from accounting comes in a drops a deuce in the next stall that sounds like Hiroshima. The reverberations immediately wake you, and you fight off your gag reflex as you scurry out of the stall in a panic. The only thing left to do is lock yourself in the room reserved for recent mothers using their breast pumps. Sure there's a light in that room, and the noise of any angry woman banging on the door, but you're sound asleep thanks to the Wrap-a-Nap (WAN).

Made with plush, minky fleece and squishy polyfill, the WAN's luxurious softness is complemented by extended Velcro™ fasteners that allow for wide variation in fit and pressure. Like earplugs, a sleeping mask, and pillow all rolled into one, this handy device lets you zonk out anywhere and sleep off last night's epic night.

Homeless? That sidewalk just got a lot more comfortable. Stuck on an airplane? Better hope the guy seated by the window went to the bathroom before he got on the plane because you're dead to the world. Whiplash? The WAN doubles as a neck brace. It's a glorious invention, especially for those trying to sleep off a hangover at work.

Canvas Prints

You promised your friend you wouldn't post that embarrassing photo on Facebook. However, you never said you wouldn't have that photo printed on canvas to hang in your living room. If you've got party pics, horrid family photos, or a lude photo of Brett Favre you received via text, Canvas Lifestyle will print it on canvas for you to hang on your wall for all to see. And today, you can get a great deal on it at Tippr.

Just click here, $29 buys $85 toward any-sized canvas prints, stylized digital prints, and other services on CanvasLifestyle.com, with shipping included! Even better, Douchepon gets a cut.


Top Ten Images to Print

• You shotgunning beers with David Hasselhoff in a Dairy Queen parking lot.
• Your friend making out with William Hung after he sang "She Bang" at her wedding.
• Your friend's wardrobe malfunction at the rodeo.
• Your step dad's mugshot, successfully located thanks to the Freedom of Information Act.
• Some tasteful boudoir photography of yourself you'd planned to give your Russian pen pal.
• Pictures of you wearing your girlfriend's cheerleader outfit from high school.
• Grandma all liquored up, telling stories about sailors.
• That picture of your friend getting attacked by a dozen goats at the petting zoo.
• The finger painting you made as a child that your mom refused to put on the fridge because it looked phallic. 
• Your dad's mullet, circa 1978.

Air Guitars

You are That Guy. When you're at a show, and the band starts playing your favorite song, you can't help but break out your a vigorous air guitar solo. You're usually so in the zone that you don't notice other people snickering, laughing at you, and pointing you out to their friends. But every once in a while you notice the scorn. Why all the hate? Is it because you're a massive douche, or is it simply that your air guitar is painfully out of style? Probably the latter.

Thankfully, Dimitri's Air Guitar can you hook you up with a sweet air guitar for only $50! These invisible, soundless, weightless guitars will give you a state-of-the-art air guitar that is certain to impress everyone, especially when you tell them how much you spent. Choose from acoustic, bass, electric, double neck, and even left handed air guitars. They all rock. Check out their testimonials to learn what their many satisfied customers have to say.

Peep out this gem below (guitar stand not included). Now envision yourself rocking a sweet riff on that deluxe beauty. Ahh yeah!

 

Polydragon Question Monogamy 20x6 Wall Peel

Inspired by the idiotic show Sister Wives on TLC, you've been trying to convince the Mrs. that what your marriage is lacking is another lady around the house. She's been skeptical, going so far as to consult with a divorce attorney, but your polygamy dreams will not be squashed. Your wife is going to need some convincing, but your measured arguments have proven unsuccessful so far. Perhaps what you need is this large wall graphic to put above the headboard of the bed your wife sleeps in alone, since you've been banished to the shed. And while this wall graphic works its magic, you can focus on convincing the clerk at the 7-11 down the street to become your second wife.